In John Irving’s masterpiece “The World According to Garp,” Garp’s youngest child Walt misunderstands when his father warns him to “look out for the undertow,” hearing his words as “look out for the under toad.” The under toad became, for the child in the book, the representation of everything scary and overwhelming and out of his control. I read Garp when I was in college, and that phrase has been rattling around in my head ever since. It’s the kind of thing any child could easily misunderstand and any adult could easily imagine being terrifying to a child. The imagery associated with it – the horrifying under toad, ready to snatch you up at any vulnerable moment – has never left me.
Anxiety can feel like that – a great big beast pulling at your toes, dragging you down into the whirlpool of your fears and phobias. In the New York Times magazine on Sunday, April 22, there is an article by Daniel Smith called”The Maniac in Me” about him and his brother who experience their anxiety in very different ways. Smith suggests that there are two kinds of anxiety sufferers – stiflers and chaotics. Having been through bouts of severe anxiety during my life this touched a nerve with me. I tended to be more of a stifler – staying as still as possible to try and stave off any free-floating anxiety that may be coming at me – which of course didn’t work at all. The more still I was, the more the anxiety would envelop me, though any movement seemed to aggravate the anxiety too. It was not an easy situation to figure out, believe me.
Those who have never experienced a full-blown panic attack can sometimes be, well, skeptical. It’s hard to imagine the fear and loss of control that can take over when the panic starts. My first panic attack happened while I was driving – alone – across the Coronado Bay Bridge in San Diego.
I was seventeen. To say I was scared would be a gross understatement. It took me hours to recover from the terror. I didn’t have another attack until 8 years later, but then the attacks began to occur so frequently that I was unable to drive on the freeways – which was very inconvenient, since I lived at the beach and worked in downtown Los Angeles. I resorted to driving on surface streets the entire 22 miles from home to work and back again – not a pleasant drive. Thankfully my doctor prescribed anti-anxiety medication and I was able to resume a normal life – and commuter schedule – again.
The under toad is all too real for many people, and shouldn’t be dismissed as a lack of self-control, PMS, hunger, insecurity, bad parenting, drug abuse, imagination, or any other random opinions that have been tossed my way over the years. If you know someone who is prone to anxiety and panic attacks, take them seriously and don’t mock them for being out of control or in need of a brisk walk. The under toad is a dark and scary entity that often runs in families, which is another point Smith talks about in his article. Panic attacks can ruin people’s lives if they don’t understand what is happening to them and don’t seek the help they need to manage the anxiety that causes the panic attacks to happen. With therapy, medication, and self-awareness, anxiety and panic attacks can be managed effectively.
I rarely feel the pull of the under toad anymore – getting older and having lived through a lot of what scared me in the first place has something to do with it – but I know it’s out there, waiting to pull me down into the darkness. I am always on alert for the under toad.
For information about panic attacks, anxiety attacks, and how they can be managed and treated, click here
Hi, I’m John. I know how it feels to suffer from panic and anxiety attacks, I’ve had them for years. Recently, I was able to get rid of them forever, though. I started a website to share my experience and tips with other people, check it out here: http://www.goodbyepanicattacks.net
Best of luck.
Wow. How horrible that must be. I wonder what causes it. Since it tends to run in families, I wonder if it’s some sort of wiring malfunctioning in the brain or chemical imbalance. This particular disorder doesn’t run in my family, but severe depression does and many of my family members have committed suicide including my mother and grandmother. Thank God for medication to help us overcome these maladies of anxiety, depression, etc. Thank you, Sharon, for sharing your story. I admire your courage and transparency.
Wow, that’s really a tragedy about your grandmother. I believe anxiety, and a lot of other mental health issues are a combination of nature and nurture – my mother was prone to panic attacks also, but we both outgrew them (for the most part) by the time we were 40. Good news for my daughter!
Grandmother AND mother committed suicide. Sister attempted suicide. And I’ve been close. I agree, it’s probably a combo of genetics and outside influences. Glad to hear you and your mother for the most part outgrew panic attacks. I would imagine you worry about your daughter. She has a superb role model in you.
Interesting how our bodies outgrow things. Previously, I suffered debilitating headaches verging on migraines. After I went through menopause, my headaches went away. YIPPEE!
I’ve never had an anxiety attack but my mom has and they are scary
I never heard it called the “under toad” before, but I like it. It makes sense to me. I’ve been there, done that… have the t-shirt, hat and a few tokens to remember it by (and that’s all I want… no more… nope… LOL)
I have the whole ensemble! Glad I rarely have to wear it anymore…
Anxiety! I meet up with anxiety every time I step onto a plane. Sweaty palms and feeling like there is no oxygen around for me to breathe are my main symptoms and just feeling plain old scared. I had anxiety when I was younger too at odd times for no reason. I’m pretty good at fighting it off on land, but in the air…well, that’s another story. A 50 minute flight can feel like a 5 hour flight. Glad you’re feeling better these days, Sharon!
I used to have a terrible time with flying, but I’ve gotten over it for the most part- I think the ordeal of getting on the plane has dulled the anxiety!
I have never experienced a panic attack, but I had a friend years ago who was nearly homophobic because of them. She fell so deeply into her anxiety that walking out the front door could bring one on. Medication finally helped her and today no one who didn’t know her then, would know she ever suffered so.
And I love that bridge. My son was in the Navy at Coronado and I loved driving across that beautiful bridge.
♥
I’ve had my fair share of experience with anxiety and found that for me, it finally got better when I simply accepted, rather than fighting it. REALLY hard, though, and that people sometimes think that sort of thing isn’t real or that you can just get over it doesn’t help.
You’re right, accepting it makes it much easier, and it’s easier to accept if those around you understand your situation.
Yes, I know these attacks and just looking at the pic of the bridge makes my palms sweat. Deep breathing helps me a lot.
I used to always small brown paper bag with me for breathing during panicky moments. It was very helpful.
I really appreciate the honesty of this post. It’s not easy to talk about! I will have to look up The Times Magazine article — I didn’t see it…it sounds great.
Denine
Great post Sharon! I have far too much experience with this phenomenon in my family. Thank you for explaining it in this way.
You’re welcome. Thanks for reading.