Uh-oh, I just read the breaking, earth-shattering news on my computer – Kim Kardashian and “what’s his name” are filing for divorce. Shock and awe baby! Their four-day romance had restored my faith in quick and inappropriate couplings. I was just going to join a dating service devoted to matching me with retired NBA or NFL stars. Yes siree, I thought an aging, hunched-over 7-foot center or beefy ex-480-pound offensive lineman was just a click away. I’m a realist and know I don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell in snatching a current player when I’m in competition with a crafty, giant-breasted Kardashian. Kim darlin’, maybe next time you should opt for an NHL player as you’ve dated or married your way through football and basketball. And let’s face it, “what’s his name” was way too tall for you. It looked kind of goofy. Reggie Bush was more your size, and I bet you two had a lot in common.

I am so glad I didn’t send a wedding gift as what a waste of money that would have been. I think it’s only appropriate to return gifts from a marriage that lasts less than 73 days don’t you? Although it could take years to return all the presents, but at least that will give Papa Bruce something to do. And btw, “Bruce, please no more plastic surgery and get a new colorist.” I wonder if they’ll split the giant diamond ring in half in the property settlement? Personally I thought it was too big and money better spent feeding a third world country.

Ryan Seacrest said, and after all he is like Walter Cronkite to an entire generation, that Kim didn’t want to live in Minnesota. It’s really hard to wear high heels in the snow which could have been a factor. Rumor has it the soon to be ex-groom was surprised to learn she filed for divorce. Funny, because I wasn’t. He said he’ll do anything to save the marriage. Awwwww, that is so sweet but not happening. Another fairy tale wedding in the toilet. Is “happily ever after” only 72 days long? That does however take the pressure off “til death do us part.”

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