It’s in our Here Women Talk family, and this is a Call to Action.
Last week one of our Here Women Talk members, 39-year-old Stacie DeSantis-Dorego from Rhode Island (pictured above), loving mother to three beautiful children, was stabbed to death by her boyfriend (details here).
Since launching Here Women Talk, an open forum where women can share whatever’s on their minds, I’ve been astounded by the number of women who have been abused—sexually, physically or emotionally–as adults or as children. It’s a quiet epidemic. And numerous others have friends or family who have been killed by abusers.
So in memory of Stacie, Here Women Talk member Elizabeth Cassidy, herself an abuse survivor, came to me with an idea. She suggested we ask everyone who has any experience with abuse, directly or indirectly, to please write a post or comment about it, anonymously if they wish, ending each post with a resource for help.
Elizabeth here. Yes, Kay is right. There is something empowering and healing about sharing your story. It helps others to share theirs. We give them courage and we let them know that they are not alone. We are not defined by what someone else did to us. I believe this community of women and men can make a difference. Let’s take abuse and violence and collectively say, “Not on my watch will I let this happen.” No one has the right to do this to another human being. Stacie and so many other women have lost their chance to be there for their children and to make a positive difference in our world.
In Stacie’s memory, if you’re a blogger, we encourage you to empower others by telling us your story, what you’re learned, and any resources you know. Or simply add your comments to this post. Thanks for sharing.
- If you’re new to blogging, this link will tell you how to post (click here)
- If you want, you can create a fake identity for your privacy
- When you post your blog, please put it under this category: Under Justice & Help, please choose “Surviving Abuse”
- Or, if you just want to share your comments on this blog, that would be great, too.
This message is a comment on Lori’s response above, dated march 9, 2012 As she was a victim of abuse on all levels. Abuse, whether physical or emotional, is NEVER acceptable. Anyone who uses the excuse that one enabled the situation is just displaying the ugly coward inside him who engaged in a premeditated non-consensual violation of a female with a confident personality and a pleasant smiling face. One who abuses a female is strongly displaying his deep rooted insecurity complex he battles within himself, therefore any form of abuse, control, violation or intimidation is his attempt to gain control and security that he obviously has been lacking since birth . Never mistake ones kindness as a weakness !!
I’ll be 36 in 2 weeks, as a survivor of abuse on all levels, I offened questioned how it was possible that one person can be violated many times? Last year I was speaking to a psychiatrist for the first time in years, (I avoid them at all costs), I presented this question to her, her response to me was nothing more than reenforcing the timeless belief that we as woman, young girls some how played an intricate part in creating the situation. This is what she said to me…when a young girl is abused sexually she becomes sexualized, this process, or transformation if you will, causes men to no longer look at her as a young girl, but rather a woman. Really??? My abuse started at 10-14. So I was giving the appearance or the signal that I was ready and willing? On so many levels this is ridiculous, not only because I was a child, but because regardless of a females age and “aura” never is she saying..”come violate me”. This view point is a popular one and must be changed.
Lori
You are so right, Lori. It is ridiculous. Thank you for sharing..
After 30 years in the DV field, I wrote a book that helps women stay out of abusive relationships. You can puchase the book as a gift for a local shelter in your state by going here:
http://transcendingdivorce.com/Freedom-abuse.html
I don’t want this at all to be advertising, it just really breaks my heart when someone, a mother, is murdered for trying to make a better life for herself.
We feel such sadness in our hearts when we hear this, don’t let anger take you over though, because that is to destroy yourself. We do not want in us the rage that the man who killed had in him to do something so awful. How do we keep love in our hearts during such a sad time? Just asking the question is enough.
This will not happen on my watch as long as I’m alive, if I have the opportunity to say or do anything which would affect change!
Thank you all for sharing. Hugs to each of you.
Each of us has personal experience with abuse whether we realize it or not. The patriarchal culture we live in is founded on the lie of devalued women. We have been socialized to think our experience is the norm. Part of my healing was becoming a volunteer advocate (through the local women’s center) in the ER for sexual assault and domestic violence victims. What I realized was that the women I was advocating for in the ER were no different than me, just a little further towards the crisis end of the spectrum. And that the danger for a woman took a giant step up with a restraining order. My work with women today is about rebuilding the sense of self that the culture has stripped us of. Thank you for sharing Stacie’s story. A prayer offered for her children. I offer an invitation to any woman who feels inspired to come join us in the work of transforming our lives. You can find us at http://wellspringswomensprogram.com
https://www.facebook.com/WellSpringsWomen
This is a website totally dedicated to talking and healing: violenceunsilenced.com
They are really supportive.
I created a blog post (it’s awaiting review) because I had more to say than I realized, but I’ll also paste here what I wrote.
I’ve never considered myself an abuse victim. Well, definitely verbally/emotionally, but physically… not really. Although there have been experiences that probably crossed that threshold, compared to my mother and the majority of my women friends, no. I haven’t suffered bruises, bloody noses, molestation, rape. I consider myself lucky that I got off so easily.
My earliest memories include violence. My father physically abused my mother. My mother had been molested as a child by her uncle. I was essentially raised by a misogynistic, physically and emotionally abusive father and victim(ized), narcissistic, emotionally abusive mother. My sister has memories that involve me that I’ve blocked. I don’t remember most of my childhood, except for the violence. For years I was hard-pressed to come up with positive memories to share. As I become older, wiser and healthier, I can now access them without much trouble.
To be honest, I’m not sure why I’m sharing this story. While it informed my relationship decisions (my ex-husbands are a combination of both parents, without the physical abuse), none of it impacts me anymore. I’ve forgiven my parents and have unconditional love and compassion for both of them. I’ve forgiven myself for choosing my ex-husbands and their role in helping me along my path. I’ve let go of the story. So much, in fact, that starting and ending this post is a struggle because I don’t know what to say.
Perhaps the compulsion to tell my tale is because there seems to be more women who have lived through abuse than not. This is deeply disturbing to me and compels me to do something to change this reality. Maybe its to let women know that they can recover, although it takes hard work and the help of a good therapist. That forgiveness doesn’t mean the abuse is okay. That unconditional love and compassion for self stops abuse because the victim identity doesn’t survive under those conditions. That healing and healthy relationships aren’t just possible, but a reality.
Although my “story” helped shape me, and I’m surrounded by women who have been physically abused in some form, I don’t own any of it. I’m not a victim. I’m a wild woman.
–My heart is breaking. This epidemic of Domestic Violence & Control doesn’t seem to end. We must NEVER keep Silent about ABUSE of any kind.
Silence is a MURDERER.
My sister was murdered on May 26, 2010. Our lives darkened that day. The sun stopped shining that day…
Here is my blog dedicated to Kay.
& Here is Kay’s Story:
http://myinnerchick.com/2010/06/11/my-sisters-murderer/
http://myinnerchick.com/category/in-memory-of-kay/
http://myinnerchick.com/help-for-domestic-violence/
Give Voice. Do Not Be Silent. NEVER.
Get Help TODAY.
DO. NOT. WAIT. ONE. MORE. MINUTE.
Love Love Love… Kim
I’m sorry for your loss. And thank you for sharing.
here is the link to the blog I did on being sexually abused as a child. I found out from one of my brothers that he died in 2005 so I know he can’t do it anymore.
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fherewomentalk.com%2Fdancing-with-the-devil-who-lived-down-the-street-this-predator-always-liked-to-lead&h=mAQG3NnhM
if you are in a abusive relationship, here is the site for the national domestic abuse hotline: http://www.thehotline.org/
LOL, Carol! We have a lot in common, especially that personality description. 😉
Believe it or not I was abused by darned near every man in my long life. One day I got fed up with being a victim. “He” took a swing at me, and I went all “J-Lo” on him and fought back hard until HE ran, and kept on running. It may not work for everyone, but that turned the tide for me.
For most of you here, the first step is speaking up, even if it’s only to Kay, Susan Murphy Milano, or whomever else here at HWT you feel drawn to. From there we will find the resources to help. This is an amazing group of women.
I left a 9 year marriage after having my nose broken no less than 5 times, among other abuses. Never let it be said I couldn’t take a punch. There was a multitude of reasons I stayed in the marriage, but only one for leaving. My life depended on it. An emergency room nurse who had seen me there before, lying for him, because I knew if I had him arrested, he would surely kill me, told me one night she didn’t feel one damned bit sorry for me. She told me if I thought that was the best in life I deserved, then that’s what I deserved. She’ll never know she saved my life, because that was the night I planned my escape. That was the moment I knew what I had to do to live and that was 34 years ago. That was the beginning of creating the person I am today and I think about her EVERY…SINGLE…DAY. I think about Stacie every single day too. Not what you expected from the caustic, Opinionated Bitch, eh? Well, I didn’t get this way all by myself. I wish I had known what was going on in Stacie’s life or I would have moved heaven and earth to save her.