Torn: Two Choices
Have you ever felt this way? Torn between two choices or perhaps two life paths.
One year, 11 months ago I shared a life-changing secret here at “Here Women Talk” about my story of abuse. I am prevented from talking about it publicly because I signed a “secrecy” document, so I can’t tell my real name or let the world know who I am.
I felt a twinge of guilt and fear for a couple reasons after having shared some of my story. Primarily because of my signature on that “secrecy” document and also because I began thinking about revisiting the document in court.
This fear eventually led me to contact the lead attorney on the case so I would know what I would be facing legally if I went one step further and shared my story or expressed my anger publicly over what happened. After a lengthy discussion, I chose to continue to let it go and to live, laugh and love in the best way I know how.
During the past year I’ve learned a lot about some things and there are some I still fail to understand. I learned why I felt unworthy at times and I learned real family members of survivors often do not know how to express what they feel any better than I do. I have traveled in and out of anger, sadness and peace. All the while, I’ve continued to look at the bigger picture and have hoped for a brighter world without abuse of any kind.
There have been several times in this last year where I have come across posts at HWT’s community area that ignited many different feelings. One such time was about eight months ago. It was a post by Beth Jukuri. Women like her exemplify what surviving means. She is one of the bravest women I’ve come across since writing here in November, 2011.
I’m sure there are many other brave women out there and to all of you I would like to share Ms. Jukuri’s latest post on the Creative Intentions group (HERE) at Here Women Talk.
Thank you Beth, for sharing you and your Art!
Thank you.
What a special offer to send me a journal!
Very kind of you. I will email you later tonight.
Beth, writing is a wonderful way of expressing. If you want to email me your address, I will send you a Journal….with a Lady on front.
my email is [email protected]
Thank you, Keddy! You have a wonderful creative group here at Here Woman Talk.
Thank you, Beth. Sister friends!
I have much to express at times but I’m still figuring out how best to do it, or rather say it. Sometimes there is much to express and other times, absolutely nothing. Betrayal, etc. Much like a numb feeling that is paralyzing.
I appreciate you saying it is very normal to ride the waves of anger, sadness and peace.
I am glad I was asked to choose again, too. 🙂 Thank you.
Thanks Beth for your kind words. Getting your secret ‘out’ isn’t as important as living your truth. It isn’t, in my opinion that we tell the world, but that we own it ourselves.
I just happened to have my secret splashed across the papers, radio and TV, so it was pointless not to be open. I was forced if you will.
Also, it is very normal to ride the waves of anger, sadness and peace, to not expect to be one thing constantly. Just feel it and embrace what’s message is. It will change over time. I had volumes of rage and anger, resentment and betrayal to express and once I did, they were like children who once you notice them, they are okay.
I like how you said you would go forth with love, laughter and living. I had said, Peace, Love and Joy. And, guess what? I was shown everything that didn’t’ bring me those three things, and I was asked to choose again 🙂
You are brave to acknowledge and look at your abuse….and to learn from it and to decide not to pass it on, but to live differently.
Thanks for your kind words, we are sister friends….
I just read your original post (thank you for the link). You are brave and inspiring! Telling the truth sets us free, and you found a way to do that and yet honor the legalities. Like Beth Jukuri’s lovely quilt ladies and Beth herself, you have found a way to hold your head high and carry on. I was so glad to read that you connected to good pathways and people here at HWT! Your plan to live, laugh and love is awesome. Thank you so much for sharing here today.
Thank you, Kay. I am very grateful for the path that led me to Here Women Talk. It has been an honor for me to be here and read posts made by various people, which have helped me in my journey. I’m proud of all the women here who have shared similar stories which have led or are leading them to peace within themselves.
Beth, you too are brave. I admire your courage to tell your story one year and 11 months ago. You wrote, “I have traveled in and out of anger, sadness and peace.”
I can’t imagine what it feels like for you, but I hope someday the “peace” part is the greater part of your feelings.
Thank you for sharing.