Forgiveness is such a powerful word; it has had such a profound affect on my life, I will never be the same.
For years I suffocated myself in self-hatred, and hatred for others. Everything I said, did and my behavior was so self-destructive; everything I saw was ugly and I felt like I was surrounded by darkness, and I would never be able to see the light. The pain that I carried around with me for years was taking a toll on me, not only mentally, but physically, too.
For the past 10 years I remained in isolation, I suffered from Anxiety, Depression and Agoraphobia. I would keep reliving in my mind all the things from my past that hurt me, all the people, everything I did, all the mistakes, excuses, etc. The pain became so unbearable, all I thought about was what can I do to make this pain go away? I gave myself two choices:
- Either I find a way to change my life, or
- End my life.
I sat and cried, and by the next morning, the transformation began.
I was given the book from a friend called You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. After reading that book, I was so enlightened, and the answers started to appear. I asked the universe to please guide me in the right direction, and I remember saying, I may not know how to forgive, but I will be willing to learn, and I wanted to put that message out there, and everyday the answers kept coming, and they are still coming.
After reading the book, I wanted to learn more, and more. I would research, buy book after book, and became so excited about change. I connected with people on Facebook. I was gifted many courses and books.
Slowly I started to notice I was actually feeling a little better; I wanted to get out of bed and face a new day.
I was also noticing the little things. For example, the beauty of a rose, the sky, the sun and moon.
I started journaling. I would write 50 things I was thankful for that day, and as I looked back on my day and read through my journal, I noticed my language, and the way I talked to myself, was a little more gentle and kinder.
Everyday I grew stronger and stronger. I kept connecting to amazing people, reading and learning. I was actually feeling happy inside, maybe even you might all it, feeling alive inside. Whatever it was that was happening, I was loving it.
I went back through all the painful memories and forgave myself and others, because at that time, that was the only way I knew how to cope. And it may have been the way others knew how to cope was to hurt others as well. Even as painful as it was, I now realize that I allowed it to happened. The Mary now would not allow anyone to treat her that way again. I am enough. I am worth it.
Now in the present, I say to myself what an incredible journey, and I am so very blessed that everything happened the way it did, because if it didn’t, I would not be the woman I am today.
I have returned to college to pursue a degree in Psychology. I have graduated from The Self Discovery Coach Academy, Level I. I am currently working on Level 2.
I am excited every morning to get up and I say to myself what am I going to create today? Instead of saying, oh another day, and remain locked within myself.
I explore. I continue to learn and read everything. I love it all!
I am now taking care of me, my health, mentally, physically and spiritually, my social life.
My relationships have blossomed.
I am thankful for my life, and I never thought that I would be able to say that. I always wanted someone else’s life because I hated mine so much, but not anymore.
The powerful of forgiveness and moving forward. Forgiveness of the past is the key to a fulfilling future.
God Bless You, Mary. Remember, that with God ANYTHING is possible. We will keep you in our prayers.
love you, Carol
Thank you so much Carol, love you too!
It’s amazing what things could do a complete 360 on our lives. I think it’s great that you threw off the veil of darkness that covered your old life and are now ready to continue your life anew! Best of luck to you
Thank you so much Justin! I am on am amazing journey, and nothing will stop me now!
Mary,
What a powerful story. Thank you so much for sharing it. I’m very glad you decided to ‘change’ instead of ‘end it’!
Thank you so much Jane! Life is to beautiful, so much to see, learn and do, and I can’t wait to see what’s going to happen next!