The scene of the crime

It is doubtful American women could have predicted our country could be consumed with Vaginal Dysmorphic Disorder (VDD, for short) in the year 2012.  I’ve spent days scouring the University medical school library and searched the ether for a diagnosis and treatment protocol.  Seems it’s such a new disorder, it’s not yet been documented in the Journal of the American Medical Association.  But honestly, it doesn’t take 7 years of college and a medical or psychiatric residency to diagnose the condition.  It only takes a pulse.  It’s when someone with a penis hears something spoken by someone with a vagina and assumes the person with the vagina has a single digit I.Q. and is a serial liar.  We can’t help it boys… we just don’t know no better.  We are victims of our own vaginas.

This morning, during a heated discussion

Castellano v Maddow. The vagina wins.

with Rachel Maddow on Meet The Press, GOP consultant Alex Castellanos denied that women make 77 cents for a man’s dollar in the workplace and then seemed to concede her point by saying, “there are lots of reasons for that.” Maddow, initially stunned, stated  it explained why Republicans and Mitt Romney refuse to embrace the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act of 2009, a law that helps women hold accountable employers who discriminate in the pay practices based on gender.

“Now we know, at least from both of your perspectives,” Maddow said, pointing to Castellanos and Romney surrogate Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers (R-WA), “women are not fairing worse than men in the economy that women aren’t getting paid less for equal work.” “It’s about policy and whether or not you want to fix some of the structural discrimination that women really do face that Republicans don’t believe is happening,” she added. Castellanos responded to Maddow’s policy argument by stating how great it would be if only her facts matched her passion, a comment for which Maddow took offense and replied, “That’s really condescending. This is a stylistic issue. My passion on this issue is actually me making a factual argument on it.”  Oooooh!  Maddow came armed with facts?  Well, we can’t let those inconvenient truths get in the way of wage discrimination, because according to the Right, wage discrimination is good.  Write that down.

That entire exchange personifies the essence of VDD.  You see, if a woman becomes pregnant as a result of rape of incest, the Right just claims it wasn’t an honest rape or it wasn’t really incest, so the girl or woman must be forced to carry the pregnancy to term – because clearly we don’t understand the very definition of rape or incest.  You and I believe it’s about being forced to have sex without our consent and the Right believes “it’s God’s WILL”.   Rape and incest are blessings.  Write that down.

Let’s talk about the lesbians.  A father e-mailed a Conservative radio talk show host in Cleveland, telling him he had caught his daughter kissing another girl and he suspected she was gay.  As such, he was asking for advice.  DJ Dominic Deiter declared on the air “You should get one of your friends to screw your daughter straight.”  Yeah, you heard me right.  Deiter told the man to get one of his friends to repeatedly rape his daughter until she declared her love of the penis.  Rape therapy cures Lesbianism.  Write that down.

Direct from "Our Lady of the Trasvaginal Probe", it's 15" of education.

And women are clearly too stupid to know the definition of pregnancy.  As such, women seeking to terminate a pregnancy must undergo medically unnecessary transvaginal probes or ultrasounds and must stare at a monitor while being lectured by a physician as to what it is they’re seeing. This is not done to verify a pregnancy. Nor is it done to assure the woman’s safety.  It is not done because doctors, who one would think should be the authority, believe it is necessary.  It is done because the Right, mostly men, don’t think pregnant woman can understand, even when told slowly and shown a coloring book on the topic, they are pregnant.  .  It is not done to make sure the woman is  safer.  It is not done because doctors – who would be the authority on this – believe it is necessary. It is done because women are too addle brained to understand that’s where babies come from.  Shame, humiliation and additional expense are the only way to show those stupid broads those cells are fully formed babies with a consciousness and a soul and they’re committing murder.  That’s the ticket.  Write that down.

In Arizona, life begins at impure thought.

Let’s take that one step further.  In the State of Arizona, life doesn’t even begin at conception.  It begins two weeks before you’ve even had sex.  As such, the legislature and Governor Jan Brewer have legally shortened the window for which any woman can even seek an abortion.  I was thinking of visiting friends in Phoenix next month, but really, can I chance getting pregnant just by driving through the state?  I mean, by their definition, isn’t every woman potentially pregnant and thereby de facto pregnant?  At my age, I just can’t take the health risk.  No going to Arizona or presto chango preggers.  Write that down.

And birth control is not about making reproductive choices in a woman’s life, as we so foolishly thought.  Birth control is a license to be slut.  We have no self-control when it comes to our sexual urges and we’re all just a bunch of whores right down to our souls.  We’ve manipulated the system to make access to birth control legal so we can flatback it for every Tom, Dick and Harry that passes by.  C’mon girls, you know you wanna.  You get one whiff of testosterone and you throw those legs open screaming, “Jump on in, boys.  The water’s FINE!” Personhood laws, that not only ignore Roe v Wade but outlaw birth control, teach these bitches the consequences of their actions is to have a baby hanging off each breast until the day they die if they persist.  The only way to get these broads back to the submissive position where they belong is to outlaw their whore license by outlawing birth control.  Write that down.

The Right has socialized our vaginas.  We thought they were ours to do with as we pleased and they’ve let us know they belong in the public domain to be scorned and controlled.  Write that down.

Such is the condition known as Vaginal Dysmorphic Disorder.  It’s not that we have an unrealistic view of what the vagina means or does – they do.  We’ve spent the last three decades hearing about the evils of feminism and homosexuality and poverty and women in the workplace.  We all know that a lie spoken often enough is eventually accepted as truth by the masses.  Isn’t that really their mission?  To minimize, marginalize and disenfranchise women in every aspect of American life?  This country is being sold a bill of goods by people with much to gain.  Don’t you buy it, ladies.  Yesterday, tens of thousands of women across this land marched on their state capitols to protest the crazy laws being passed to dehumanize half of this country’s population and you didn’t see a single news report.  Why?  Because there are five megacorporations who own the mainstream media in the United States and they know their role in misrepresenting women.  We wouldn’t want another narrative being spoken now, would we?  That would be, well, fair and balanced.

My beautiful friend, Sarah Warfield at the April 28th Missouri March for Women (photo credit Kevin Morgan)

By the way, I found the cure for VDD… it’s called voting Democratic. Write that down.

Carol Baker is a political writer, satirist, and co-host with Vicki Childs of our Here Women Talk weekly internet talk radio show called BROADSIDED. You can hear their show every Thursday at 11 am Eastern/10 Central/8 Pacific.