A brutal double murder occurred on a frosty February night this past winter. A close friend’s brother “allegedly” decided to put a hit on his family- $10k for his soon to be ex-wife, $5k for my friend and $5k for my friend’s husband. My friend was luckily out of town on a business trip that fateful evening. This story isn’t from a sordid Hollywood writer’s mind- it’s real life.
Fast forward six months- four defendants are on trial. One of them is my friend’s brother, whom I have known since we were teens, 30 years ago. His face has been splashed all over the news as he is “allegedly” the kingpin of this whole dirty deed. As I make my way to a seat in the courtroom, he and I lock eyes. Again, I have known this guy for 30 years. Over that time, we’d been clubbing together, attended weddings, Super Bowl parties, holiday gatherings, celebratory bbqs, everyday sitarounds- never as a couple but more like family.
In a situation like this, does one nod acknowledgement, give a courtesy smile, spit venom, jump over the railing with the prowess of a superheroine vigilante … ? I can honestly say it was a moment that made the blood in my veins feel like ice water. For one of the first times in a decade, I was thankful that his (and my friend’s) mom was not alive. She was a remarkable woman who bravely fought cancer with the same courage and grace that she lived her life. Perhaps the reason she was taken from us at such an early age was so she would not have had to experience this present horror. How she would have ever lived through this family drama is unfathomable.
Cut back to our story- I basically did nothing. As we locked eyes, I remained expressionless until he finally looked away. For the rest of that day, I targeted my gaze away from in his direction. It was creepy enough to have three strangers who are probably responsible for the demise of two friends within rubberband shooting distance. Yet to have someone as close as a brother, sitting in bright red prisoner clothes across the room, was nothing short of surreal.
One part of me would like to go visit him at the jail and just let him talk. There is nothing he can say that could ever justify his “alleged” actions yet it might be enlightening to hear what he has to say. I would like to hear him admit it was his poor choice to abuse drugs that made this family’s life a living hell to their last breaths. I would like to hear him say that he has remorse. I would like to hear from his own lips that he finally understands the ramifications of his actions. Would hearing these thing soften the blow of what happened at all? Who knows.
The other side of me sees him as a dead man walking. Who cares what he has to say? He has “allegedly” breached such familial protocol, that there is nothing that he could ever say or do that could ever explain his “alleged” actions. There are many months, perhaps years, left of this trial and many more potential eye locks in the future. I hope I will be able to maintain my composure as more of the gory details emerge. My priority is to be there for my friend as she so valiantly attempts to bring some semblance and comprehension to her “New Normal.”
As far as I know, they don’t give examples on how to deal with these situations in Miss Manners books. Frankly, I would have preferred to have never needed to know.
Karen, I think I am aware of what case you are refering to here. And there was a small child in the home to witness her mother and uncle’s demise. I remember the news when it first happened, then the arrest- if it is the same case.
First, I want to say how deeply sorry I am for the loss of your friends. I can’t imagine how the lady who was fortunate to be out of town is feeling during this trial process. I do know what its like to have someone you care for being a perpetrator of a horrific act and too, to lose someone you care for to tragic circumstances.
As the others said, no answers for how you should act in court exists. Don’t really think guidelines for victims’ families and friends could be published. I am an avid trial watcher, always with the moral support for the victims’ in mind. Though they do not know me, I still feel they are aware all of us trial watchers believing in justice for them. Sometimes justice is unequal and it always seems in a court of law the accused rights, even if they admit to the act, comes first. The victim is second place citizen. However, I also believe the accused deserve a fair and just trial. Sadly, we do accuse innocent people and guilt needs proving by state beyond a reasonsable doubt. Defense strategies make sure of that happening.
I noticed you said when you looked into his eyes your blood felt like icewater. That and other emotions during the hearings will, during the actual trial, repeat themself. As far as him showing remorse, I agree with Vicki about manipulation. Right now the remorse he feels can be more of remorse for his own self, that he was caught, and for his future more than for his actions. You can only do what feels right for you. Not what’s right for him or your friends.
Shirley- we are definitely talking about the same trial. There was a child in the home that witnessed this atrocity. Please keep her and her family in your thoughts and prayers. It is heartbreaking to witness the ripple effects of evil.
Karen, from one who has attended (as the defense investigator)
many death penalty and non capital murder trials, I can say they are never easy. I always struggle with my duties to my innocent until proven guilty client and the victim’s family nearby. I want to extend sympathies to them while working to make sure my client gets a fair trial. I am not comparing my situation to yours, but just wanted to say that there is no easy way to acknowledge him. I would suggest that you can keep true to victims and still express whatever you might feel towards him too. As for going to see him, that is your choice. If he will see you perhaps you might want to go and say what you feel. This way, you can see whether he has any remorse or other feelings. Or, you can write to him or ask his attorney if they will give him a note for you. Perhaps for you to know where the old guy you knew is now and how he got there would be important. Keep in mind that it is not uncommon for defendants (or those convicted) to try to manipulate those on the outside to gain favor or sympathy. I wish you the best and hope that you get some answers. If you ever wish to talk more about it, I would be happy to do so. Vicki
Vicki- I really appreciate hearing your professional as well as person opinion. I can’t imagine being a defense investigator. Yours must be one of the toughest jobs ever. I do appreciate that you are doing your part to make sure that our justice system is fair for all parties. Wait- how is it fair to the victim? Oh well, perhaps that is one of those questions like “What came first, the chicken or the egg.” If, God forbid, I am unjustly accused someday, I hope to have someone like you on my side!
After reading this, I’m speechless. No easy answers and I can’t imagine what it would have been like to be in your shoes. My thoughts are with you and your friends. Sometimes knowing someone is thinking of you helps a little. I wish you peace.
Thank you Carol!
This is horrible. I can’t imagine the pain your friend is suffering. Moreover, I can’t imagine how anybody could be so evil they’d premeditate murdering their own family members. It’s unfathomable. Your friend is lucky to have you by her side.
I am blessed to have such a wonderful, strong woman in my life. It is my honor to be able to stand by her side during this “chapter” of our life story.