Breaking the Mold of Motherhood
I can still see the look of shock on an acquaintance’s face when they discovered I was a mother. “Where is your son?” they asked me, quizzically… seeming completely confused by the fact that no toys lined my kitchen floor.
“He lives with his Dad in Canada” I responded… waiting to see if they would repeat the common look of surprise and discomfort that accompanies this reply. Sure enough, there it was. Confusion. Mind Boggled. Not quite sure what to say.
Now I’ve been through this many times and it has become one of the reasons I don’t often share my “family side” with others. They don’t now how to define a woman who has chosen to break the mold of traditional motherhood (having lived and worked in 5 different countries in the last 18 months).
It wasn’t until recently working with a number of powerful female clients that I decided to speak out on this. These incredible women were discussing their considerations of being a mother and yet struggling with the concept of putting aside their passions, their professions, their personal dreams. They found themselves feeling guilty at the thought of either a) not having a child at all or b) not fulfilling the traditional stay at home mom role (or the newly accepted version of “part-time worker”).
Wow. Has “Leave it to Beaver” ever infiltrated our society (collective psyche)! Could the picture of mom in her checkered apron, smiling to greet her children at the end of the day (with dinner ready) be this programmed into our beliefs?
So, I pushed them forward into the place of being a mother. “Lets say you had a daughter, and she grew up to find herself in love with being an artist, or a lawyer or a writer. This powerful female you’ve witnessed turn into a woman is now feeling guilty because she doesn’t want to have a child. She is living her dream and you are thrilled for her! Would you encourage her to put these dreams on the back-burner or give them a part-time position merely to relinquish to her guilt? Or would you tell her to live in whatever way makes her happy, because you simply love witnessing her joy?”
Most women will agree, they want to be the best “role model” for their children. It is a common sentiment among parents that “even though I couldn’t do (fill in the blank) I hope to create a life in which you can”. We want to fuel their joy and what better way to teach them, inspire them then to lead through (your own) example (?)
In my view: A great mom, nourishes and loves her children, and a fabulous mom may also be a road warrior. Her passion for what she does in life encourages her children to grow up with the belief that “yes they can follow their dreams…”. Yet, what society labels as a “great mom” is an archaic concept with little relevance to the spunky girls we are raising to be powerhouse women. When these women who we are encouraging to “live their lives!” “follow their dreams!” “become a leader!”, dare to decide to not have a family, or create a family and not conform to the predictable (nuclear) stereotype, they end up being (sometimes subconsciously) judged by the same voices who have encouraged them to “put themselves first!” (and truly follow their passions).
Lest I forget, the accepted double standard that still haunts our “evolved” society, that a man who travels for work (and can even be away for extended periods of time), or is not the primary caregiver is accepted so unquestionably.
Hmm… fascinating isn’t it?
I think it is time to break the Mold of Motherhood. To give permission to each other to carve out a way of mothering that fulfills our life path, nourishes our soul and nurtures our children. We need to create a new archetype of what a mother could be, one that inspires her children to live their dreams, fearlessly. (and non judgmentally.)
As a mother, I care for my son (be it often from afar), he is constantly on mind (my spirit is always embracing his) and I offer the best nurturing I can, but I am also focused on being the best example I can for him. I am hoping that as he grows if he learns one thing from my existence and example in his life that it is to live fearlessly (including breaking molds), that he he lives his dreams (even if it means leaving comfort zones behind to forge new paths), that he achieves a life fulfilled by going after his desires. If I am to teach him these things, should it not be by living as a true example of them?
Alessandra Sagredo, Proud (New Archetype of ) Mother and Spiritual Hedonist
Originally posted January 11, 2012
Congratulations on acknowledging your desires and boldly pursuing them. I grew up with a dad who fulfilled both the role of father AND mother, so for me it’s not unusual to see a parent in a non-traditional role. You’re setting a good example, not only for your son, but also for women everywhere who dream to be as brave as you and live their lives to the fullest. Thanks for sharing.
Kay… thank you so much for your incredible words! Although I call it “courage” for myself to live my dreams, I deep down consider it also “love that would inspire” for my son. I truly hope he will live a life boldly and bravely and that perhaps I’ve somehow helped to ignite that extraordinary mold shattering spark within him.
Alessandra, I had to think about this for a moment or two. I did choose to give up a dream to get married and have children. I can say I do not have any regrets as I have 3 amazing daughters (17-26) and am still married (30 yrs) to the love of my life…however, I wish deep down that all women could have 2 lives to live. I am one of those in-between moms-I was a stay-at-home mom when each of my daughters were born, and was home for a number of years. But I did miss the challenge and camaraderie of work and co-workers. So I would always go back for a time, all the while still “doing it all”. My daughters grew up knowing I was juggling it all, and although they all had the wonderful traditional upbringing, I see only one of them actually wanting children. There will be no pressure from me for them to procreate, although I would love to have grandchildren. I think the problem is that “society” hasn’t caught up with the women’s movement and hasn’t been able to embrace it like so many women have. I’m sure it will be a challenge for years to come, but just maybe, as strong women continue to go for their dreams, society will come around and stop judging.
Fawnda, thank you so much for the extremely well thought out comment. I think you may have something about “women living 2 lives” :-), however in the end since we have this one conscious experience to enjoy, I believe it should be done in the manner which brings you the most fulfilled joy.
I want to “cheer for you!” that you have found a place of mothering that allows you to step back and out of the way of your daughters choices (like not having children). There is an obscene amount of pressure that gets placed on women to procreate and that ties into a lot of shame/guilt women start feeling later in life when they have not “fulfilled the role” that underneath society still believe we all should be happy doing.
Yes, society has no caught up, and it will probably take a number of strong women not just speaking out, but doing it, living their lives “their way”. In other words breaking the mold.
My hope is that this little article I wrote will inspire ladies to break the mold in any way that suits them. If it means being a mom and working full time “then go for it!”, if it means being a mom and loving life as you stay at home part time “good for you!”, and if it means opting to no have children at all because it doesn’t fit you “wonderful!”.
I don’t want to tell women how to live, just encourage them to live true to themselves (with one reminder, if you have kids, they are watching… and if you want them to live their dreams and be fulfilled, then you have to teach them how.) Which Fawnda from what I can see you’re doing a great job!
Again, thanks so much for sharing.