It’s Christmas time and at 26 years of age it ceases to be that special wonderful time of year that it used to be when I was very very small; now it’s just a pleasant if a tad bit depressing holiday. It’s the time of year where families get together and share their love of each other, unless of course you’re in my family. I’ve been out of my parents home for almost 6 years now and ever since I moved, ever since I learned I was adopted, I have been on my own for every holiday and birthday. Not so when it comes to my older siblings; my brother and sister get invited to my parents home, get daily/weekly phone calls, get interest shown in their lives. Growing up I never had a holiday that didn’t seem perfect (even though the rest of the year was pure hell). I never had a holiday or birthday that was not looked forward to with anticipation. I learned early to look forward to these days far more eagerly than most kids do because it meant peace and quiet, no one argued, no one cried, no one touched me. So it’s not very surprising that this new found abandonment hurts more then most people would ever guess, but not as bad as the utter disregard for my feelings revolving something else extremely important to me….finding my half siblings.

I am the youngest of 5, maybe 6 children who where all adopted out by my mother’s younger sister. I know only snippets of information, mostly gleaned by eavesdropping as soon as I was young enough to put a few pieces together. We all have different fathers so my own biological father has been and will be no help.  What bothers me the most and hurts like hell is the absolute refusal of the people in my family to give me the information (such as age, father’s name) that may help me find the members of my family I know are out there. To quote my mother, “They’re all so much older than you, if they wanted to find you, they would have. They have their own lives and don’t care.” While this may be true, it just doesn’t add up in my head or my heart. People don’t always get told about their situation, and if they knew, there is no guarantee they know any information on where to look.  To explain the feelings of emptiness and longing I have associated with this search is almost impossible. Being in a family where you look different, act, and think differently and then find out why and THEN find  there are people out there that you may have a connection with but may never meet or talk to (or have the option of not talking to ) is a lonely feeling.

So to wrap this up I’m putting this out there. I want to find my siblings. I don’t have much money or information BUT if anyone reading this can help me or knows of a way to help me, please, PLEASE let me know.