My wish for you this Christmas is that you find Christ and get to know him. He is life and freedom. For many years I merely existed, fighting through feelings of self loathing, despair, violence and love starvation. My only relief was to escape, whether through drugs, alcohol, men or food – just use something as a comfort so I didn’t have to live in the walls of my own mind. These actions took me to a place of despair and evil I don’t wish for anyone. The pain was so great that I tried to take my own life – but God had other plans. You see God can see the beginning from the end and his thoughts are not my thoughts, they are higher and hold more purpose; He has plans for me to prosper.
After years of low level thinking and low level living I came to the jumping off place. I had heard of God, was raised Catholic and attended church and parochial high school. After being in 12 Step recovery for around three months, one particular day my emotions began to surface and the unworthiness and self loathing was starting to suffocate me. This is when I cried out to God with tears streaming down my cheeks: if you are real, if you are there do something! Either change me or take me, but I cannot live like this anymore!!!
Suddenly I felt a sense of warmth, a feeling of completeness and belonging. What I realized was that I was not alone anymore, there was something, someone present in that car with me. That presence has kept me and sustained me and has my constant companion as I got off drugs and booze, dealt with dysfunctional relationships, overcome the pain and horrifying effects of multiple abortions, infertility, loss of job and grief. But moreover that something has given me the incomparability to love, to experience life on life’s terms and be happy, joyous and free.
Once I began to study the word of God I found out that in him there is total grace – acceptance, complete forgiveness, deliverance, edification and power. I began to discover my true identity. The identity I searched for all my life, in fact almost died to understand. Jesus died, was buried and rose again – in that I have found a family tree that is not only deeply rooted but can withstand any storm. It isn’t about keeping rules, or saving face, it is about experiencing a love that is so intoxicating there are no words in any language to describe it!
Thank you Mary, mother of Jesus, for remaining obedient in so many ways; for providing God a worthy womb to implant his seed.
Thank you Joseph for the lack of baby momma drama; and your determined faith in God. You were man enough to deal with the reality that your fiancé was pregnant and the baby wasn’t yours.
Thank you Jesus for saying yes to God and rebuking your own humanity; because in the garden of Gethsemane you could have easily said no to death but, you didn’t. Forever will I remain devoted to a God that is alive and allows his people the choice of accepting him as Savior, he fills my cup to overflowing, he leads me through the land of milk and honey and he continues to love me even when I am unlovable – I am just so blessed that I am HIS! I was running and you found me, I was blinded and you gave me sight . . . Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!