By Grace Dudley
Well, here I am yet again… Sitting , pondering, hoping for answers. So many questions. Not enough answers. Why do these thoughts run through my head? Why can’t I make sense out of life? Out of why people come into my life, and leave without a sound? Why does God allow such things? Hurt, pain , suffering, Anxiety, worry… Where is God in all this? I been told many times God allows these things because without them how would we be thankful for the good… well , I can understand that, but why so much pain? What did I ever do so wrong to deserve so much heartache? Where is love in this world? Why so much hurt? What does a person have to do anymore to have even a little peace? Why can’t I find someone who loves me? Why do I care about people so much? Do I truly only hurt myself by being me? Who else could I be? In Reading about Job and having been compared to him myself..Like Job I have cursed the day I was born. I felt like nothing mattered. I have hope still ,despite all the pain. I lost my family, many friends. There are few that have stuck beside me when my life was falling apart. I try to rebuild, just to be set back again. Each time I seem to get a little farther there is something up ahead to slow me down. Why me? What do I have that seems to make everything work against me? What have I done so wrong? Then a small voice whispers to me.. maybe it is what you are capable of that scares people… Maybe it is not something you have already done… but maybe there is a bigger plan for you… something that people will try to keep you from… they want you silent… Then I think .. Yeah right… Me? Something big? But why should I doubt it? Is not ANYTHING possible if you believe it enough? I seem to run myself into circles. Sometimes to the point of nuts. Why do these thoughts run through my head? I try to love people. I forgive easily.. Maybe too easily… does the Bible not say to forgive 70 times 7? Is that your entire life ? Per person? I am understanding and rarely hold a grudge. Sure, I feel pain. Maybe deeper than most. Little things get to me. Simple things. I understand more, yet.. sometimes with that understanding comes more confusion and less knowledge. If that even makes any sense. Someday … why someday? Why not Today? Why do I have to wait? What is my purpose? We all have a purpose here. Right? What is this crazy path I seem to be on? Where is life taking me? Is it really up to me to decide? Has not this life already been planned out for me? So , in a way no matter what I do it doesn’t matter because it was all preplanned anyway? It is inevitable. Every choice we make today actually can directly and even indirectly influence another person. So.. our choices are not insignificant? We each have a purpose here… maybe life is all about finding the key that unlocks that purpose…. Maybe we are only meant to be here to learn. Do we take what we learn here with us when we go? Where exactly do we go? If this is just a stop along the way… then what lies beyond all this? What is the purpose of this time and place? Time? Passing of minutes, days …. Time… beyond this lies only eternity… so time is of no importance. What are we supposed to do here? Seems like it is getting more and more complicated… yet everyone says it is simplifying things… wow really? Simplicity? Here? I wonder because it seems to me that things were so much simpler way back when my grandparents were small. Today we have to worry about government stealing our kids, children taking guns to school, do we dare walk alone at night in the city? Is this world really safer than it was..say.. 50 years ago? Has technology really made us smarter… or in reality do we rely on it now instead of our own minds? Has it made us dumb?
I am 33 years old. I love to write. It is my passion. I find it so easy to express myself on paper. Witting is my way to release all the bottled feelings that I can’t express in spoken words. I love to sing because music is also another way to express the things we dare not to say out loud. I am thankful for each and every experience in my life, the good and the bad. Each trial and triumph I have faced has helped me get to where I am today. I am passionate about what I do and I am thankful for the gift I have to express what others sometimes fear to express. Life is good and I will keep pressing on!