You guys. Hey, you guys! Drop whatever you’re doing for some breaking news.

Now I’m usually one to side with the democrats- but conservative Republican, Todd Akin (a candidate for the US Senate) spoke pretty passionately about an issue that i think is important. You should probably pay attention…

So, according to Akin, women’s bodies can prevent pregnancies in most cases of “legitimate rape.” Now this isn’t 100 percent fool proof, but, he has informed us, rape very rarely leads to pregnancy. Apparently the body is at work trying to shut the whole thing down.

Akin is a stickler against abortion, not empathizing with the women who have not harnessed their ability to shut down conception. Serves them right, obviously- I mean, imagine not using your magical voodoo feminine powers. Besides, it’s not like those who don’t use it are in the middle of anything violent or traumatizing, like being raped.

Intelligently, Akin has worked hard to back up the legal meaning of rape. You might remember his name from when he co-sponsored the bill that tried to redefine the meaning of rape. In Akin’s eyes, it needed to be “forcible.”  Because sticking your penis inside of an unwilling woman is not forcible unless you also rough her up a little bit.

I used to think that part of the key to ending rape was educating young men on appropriate behavior, teaching women how to stay safe, encouraging survivors to speak out… but you’re right, Akin…this is much easier. You know, if we just fictionalize one of the most damaging crimes, pretend that all the women who get pregnant should’ve been saying their “no-babies” meditation, act like the women who didn’t fight back were wrong, then maybe the 250,000 reports made each year will go down, because we’ll finally realize it’s futile to complain.

PS, my dear readers, if you are ever “legitimately raped” especially if it’s “forcible” I suggest you do not vote republican…

To Akin:

1. It’s not “thousands” of women, it’s 250,000 annual reports in the US, which means a lot more than that seeing as how people like you have made it so difficult to report.

2. Will you be teaching classes on making women more able to control their bodies and not get pregnant in the case of rape? And is there a way to shut down pregnancy from consensual sex?

3. Are you fucking kidding me?

4. I hope you don’t have a daughter.

5. I hope you’re not paying the doctors that you claim led you to your ideas…