Before I go into my rant about Tina Fey, who is a close and personal friend of mine….not, I just want you to know that I was on my Twitter page and my “Who to follow” showed Mitt Romney. Where is my mother ship and how can I get back home to Toto? He needs to be walked.

Okay, let’s go back to my version of reality. Fractured as it might be.

Tina Fey is a very funny and talented woman. Really. She has honed her comedic skills by performing in front of four drunks at 3 AM and now is an award winning actress, comedian, writer and producer who lives in New York City with her husband and two children. I can only imagine that her apartment is quite spacious with a killer view and I bet she eats in fabulous bistros and restaurants every night. I suspect she even gets manicures and pedicures every week – a sure sign of someone who has arrived. Even Maxim magazine called Tina “hot” and People magazine proclaimed “one of the most beautiful.” And I am okay with that. I just want to be called “hot” one more time before I go to the, “My, we were bitter about other people’s successes, weren’t we?” section of purgatory.

What the hell did I do wrong? Tina is even listed in Wikipedia where you can read about all her amazing accomplishments. I find the best time for me to do that is while sitting in my refrigerator and finishing up a jar of outdated mayonnaise. Oh, like I am the only one who does that? Silly me, I thought that eating inside an actual refrigerator was being considered for the 2016 Olympics. Note to self – get the low fat mayo. Sweat pants are getting snug.

Now, when Tina was 12 years old (I just threw up a little in my mouth) I tried out to be a writer for SNL. A friend called and said they were looking for writers and performers so I sat down in my east village apartment with no view and a bathtub in the kitchen and sent a very convincing letter. Yes, the type of letter that goes into an envelope and needs a stamp before Mr. Mailman will take it. My three strongest points for being considered as a writer were 1) I was doing this for my mother. 2) I would never wear blue eye shadow while on stage or anywhere else for that matter. I thought Lorne Michaels would jump at that one talent. 3) I would never eat tuna fish during rehearsals.

I sat back and waited for my acceptance letter. And it came.

“Unfortunately, we do not have a position open for you at this time as we are fully staffed. Will your mother ever understand?”  Lauri thanked me for my humorous letter and wished me the best of luck. I googled Ms. Lauri – nothing came up. Perhaps she is spending some quality time in upstate New York?

And I am okay with that because of all the successes I have had, the one that is close to the top is that rejection letter from SNL. On the other hand, it annoys me so much that I keep it framed in my office. And it mocks me.

One thing very few people know is that Tina stole my memoir. Bossypants was originally about a tall Italian/Irish girl who worked in comedy clubs in NYC and was once compared to a young Woody Allen. And I am wondering Maxim won’t consider me to be “hot?” The publishers changed their minds at the last minute and Tina got $659.27 for it. The only thing that remains of me are my arms on the cover.

Nothing seems to stop Tina and she will probably be first lady of France one day. And when that happens, I will be expecting a call from Lorne Michaels. I might not answer on the first ring. And you know damn well that I am going to be chowing down with a nice big bowl of tuna fish.


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