The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
– George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
– Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
– Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
– Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
– Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
– Alex Levine
Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
– Spike Milligan
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
– Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
– W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
– Will Rogers
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
– Winston Churchill
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
– Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
– Billy Crystal
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’
– Eleanor Roosevelt
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’
– Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)