For years I suffocated myself in self-hatred, and hatred for others. Everything I said, did and my behavior was so self-destructive; everything I saw was ugly and I felt like I was surrounded by darkness, and I would never be able to see the light. The pain that I carried around with me for years was taking a toll on me, not only mentally, but physically, too.
For the past 10 years I remained in isolation, I suffered from Anxiety, Depression and Agoraphobia. I would keep reliving in my mind all the things from my past that hurt me, all the people, everything I did, all the mistakes, excuses, etc. The pain became so unbearable, all I thought about was what can I do to make this pain go away? I gave myself two choices:
- Either I find a way to change my life, or
- End my life.
I sat and cried, and by the next morning, the transformation began.
I was given the book from a friend called You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. After reading that book, I was so enlightened, and the answers started to appear. I asked the universe to please guide me in the right direction, and I remember saying, I may not know how to forgive, but I will be willing to learn, and I wanted to put that message out there, and everyday the answers kept coming, and they are still coming.
After reading the book, I wanted to learn more, and more. I would research, buy book after book, and became so excited about change. I connected with people on Facebook. I was gifted many courses and books.
Slowly I started to notice I was actually feeling a little better; I wanted to get out of bed and face a new day.
I was also noticing the little things. For example, the beauty of a rose, the sky, the sun and moon.
I started journaling. I would write 50 things I was thankful for that day, and as I looked back on my day and read through my journal, I noticed my language, and the way I talked to myself, was a little more gentle and kinder.
Everyday I grew stronger and stronger. I kept connecting to amazing people, reading and learning. I was actually feeling happy inside, maybe even you might all it, feeling alive inside. Whatever it was that was happening, I was loving it.
I went back through all the painful memories and forgave myself and others, because at that time, that was the only way I knew how to cope. And it may have been the way others knew how to cope was to hurt others as well. Even as painful as it was, I now realize that I allowed it to happened. The Mary now would not allow anyone to treat her that way again. I am enough. I am worth it.
Now in the present, I say to myself what an incredible journey, and I am so very blessed that everything happened the way it did, because if it didn’t, I would not be the woman I am today.
I have returned to college to pursue a degree in Psychology. I have graduated from The Self Discovery Coach Academy, Level I. I am currently working on Level 2.
I am excited every morning to get up and I say to myself what am I going to create today? Instead of saying, oh another day, and remain locked within myself.
I explore. I continue to learn and read everything. I love it all!
I am now taking care of me, my health, mentally, physically and spiritually, my social life.
My relationships have blossomed.
I am thankful for my life, and I never thought that I would be able to say that. I always wanted someone else’s life because I hated mine so much, but not anymore.
The powerful of forgiveness and moving forward. Forgiveness of the past is the key to a fulfilling future.