After 3 Decades, My Secret Told: Surviving a Different Kind of Abuse and Rescue
I’m a woman in my late 40s with a secret. I’ve never before told this secret. Lately, and because of a rescue I heard about on HereWomenTalk.com last year, I’ve felt the need to purge myself of this truth, but I’m bound by confidentiality laws and a court order not to reveal the names or details of those involved because some of the parties at that time were in high political office. Then it dawned on me, I can still tell my story, but with fictitious names. So after careful consideration, and many sleepless nights wondering if I should — if I could — do this, I’ve decided to reveal my secret.
Secret
When I was 12, I was rescued from my biological parents who were divorcing. My parents didn’t know how to be parents. I was told I would be placed in a home. I shared this information with someone I worked with at school (elective assistant). I was befriended by Joan, a 30-year-old married woman who took pity on me.  At 13, I moved in with Joan and her husband Brad.  At the age of 14, Joan and Brad, then a State official, legally adopted me.
Right from the beginning, Brad began abusing me sexually; Joan knew nothing about it.  I was young, naïve, and scared. When I was 16, I reported the abuse to a licensed state health-care professional. Shortly thereafter, Brad asked Joan for a divorce, and guess who got legal custody of me. That’s right — Brad. I didn’t want to live with him, but Joan was too distraught to provide adequate care for me upon learning of Brad’s wish for a divorce and abuse of me.  Joan moved out and to another state, and she left me with Brad, even though she knew he was abusing me.
I was left at their house to show it to prospective buyers until the house sold.  Though I was scared to be there alone, I didn’t mind as it meant I would not have to fear him coming to my room at night. When the house sold, I was moved to a lake property for the summer.  I was alone, had no phone and I had no income. Again, I was in survival mode and didn’t mind as I knew he would not be coming to my room at night. My every move was monitored.  By this time, Brad was a federal employee in DC, traveling to and from where I was and where I had just left. He was seeing a woman who was a staff intern whom he met when he asked Joan for a divorce, which was not known at the time. I was moved to DC at the end of the year.
For a period of eight years, I was sexually abused by Brad. Also, when I was 15, I was raped by Brad’s best friend.  I was isolated and controlled.  I was forced to engage in fondling, intercourse, oral sex, etc. These events occurred both inside and outside the home and took place in at least five different states. Through coercion, threats, lies, terror and intimidation, Brad prevented me from disclosing this abuse.
The abuse became less frequent at this point because the intern Brad was seeing moved nearby in DC. The assaults only occurred when she was out of town. The last assault occurred one night in October 1983. I was raped for the last time.  I had just turned 22, and afterward, I told a coworker, who in turn reported it to my employer.
While Brad, then my adopted father, was on an overnight business trip, I was quickly removed by my coworker, a congressional staffer, and relocated to a safe area in the city.  The rape was reported to Brad’s employer by a press secretary and leaked to various high-level government employees.  I was challenged about the allegations reported by others. This led to the assembly of a team of lawyers and experts who helped me pro bono, meaning free of charge.
A legal case ensued in two states and evidence was gathered. Discovery and depositions began and during the next three years, my course in life was forever changed.  Brad was served a complaint on six counts with a motion for a protective order.  During my deposition, Brad and his legal counsel used intimidation, hoping I would drop the case. Thankfully, I didn’t waver. I stood strong. I stood up for myself; something Brad wasn’t used to.
Eventually, the case was settled out of court to protect those who had helped me.  I received a small financial settlement to cover the cost of counseling during the legal proceedings.  The case remains sealed to this day, and the evidence gathered is locked away in a prestigious law firm in Washington, D.C. I am not allowed to discuss what happened with anyone except for medical professionals or a significant other.  Today I often wish I could talk about my life and communicate openly about the hidden truth. But I’m bound by a gag order.
What’s become of Brad? He lives comfortably in the state of Florida with his second wife.
I’m doing well but I’ve never married or engaged in an intimate relationship with a man to this day. I don’t think I’m missing anything. It may seem like I dislike men, but that’s not true. Many good men helped me in my struggles and rescue, and I wish all good men the best in life.
I’ve relocated, legally changed my name, I’m gainfully employed, and I reconnected with my divorced biological parents in 1990. I enjoy volunteer work and look forward to learning and continued growth in my life.  In fact, learning about anything and everything has been the key to my survival once I was freed.
This is the first time I’ve told my story.  Beth Henley is a pseudonym. I’ve needed to tell this story for a long time. I invite you to share your thoughts.  If you have experienced similar abuse, and you want to talk about it, I’m here to listen.  And if you happen to be a young person going through a similar situation, tell as many people as you can until someone really hears you.  You deserve help, and someone out there will help you.
Thanks Lynn Tolson for sharing Viga Boland’s story.
I love the song performed by her daughter:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qf5AQv3muIk
B-Henley, I’m glad this came through to my email. I re-read your personal essay here and was touched again by it, and your strength through the proceedings and beyond. Yes, Viga Boland and her daughter make a great team to bring awareness.
I received an email by way your blog, but couldn’t find my login info. Then, I couldn’t find a separate link for her story. So I wanted to share the song her daughter wrote here, as it speaks to forgiveness. Something I think many survivors have difficulty with. I would not speak for everyone, but for me it was an issue.
Thank you for the work you do and for sharing.
Thank you for connecting with me tonight on Tricia’s program. I feel so sad for what was done to you. Justice wasn’t done the way it should have been. We really do have to work at changing the system so that children are protected rather than abused.
Thank you for taking time to visit here.
It was nice to meet you during the radio program and learn of different resources in work at different levels. I look forward to the day when laws are changed in order to better protect children.
Take care and perhaps will meet again soon. That is if I can find my way back to where I was. lol I forgot to bookmark the area.
Secrets isolate us. Healing begins when we allow ourselves to acknowledge our wounds. Our wounds are not a measure of one individual’s sad fate, but an indication of our unity with others. To reveal them is to share a genuine human condition. It takes courage and compassion for ourselves and others.
After sharing my story here, four weeks and 3 days later, I am beginning to understand this “truth.” Acknowledging it and realizing it takes a great deal of courage for one to share and arrive at a place where they feel safe. I thank you and everyone who has shared their thoughts and encouraging words with me.
Beth, you have found a way to tell your story without revealing details that may challenge you. I’m sorry for what you experienced, and the pressure to be forced to contain it via a “gag order.” That’s like a re-victimization of the trauma. I too kept my experiences to myself for 3 long decades, but for different reasons. Cheers to your courage!
Thank you. I can’t even begin to think about how my life would be different today had there not been a “gag” order. I am, however, grateful that I have survived and now find myself in a “safety net” of sorts, which has allowed me to begin sharing some of my story. I am glad you have been able to share yours too, after 30 years.
Wow, What a story! So glad you can at least in some way share your story! Awareness needs to be spread. I have been abused in my late teens, although all the while blaming myself as i didnt know what sexual abuse was!! I have just finished counselling feeling very positive and ready to speak out to make the world aware, and encourage others to speak out rather then just let it continue!!
I also have struggled wether it is worth putting him where he belongs or to keep quiet to save others from the pain it would cause, but i do trust and believe that he will need to speak for what he has done before God at the end (and that wont be pretty!)
Wish you all the best through your life as a survivor! I hope you have friends who can support you and help you live a happy life!
(for encouragement and awareness you can follow my page on facebook – ‘wounds 2 scars – victim 2 survivor’)
Thank you for sharing and for your kind words.
I believe you are correct… regardless of what you decide, he will have to speak for what he has done to you at some point in the future. I wish you the best also, and I will definitely visit the facebook page you mentioned.
Thank you.
Thank you, Elizabeth. I left a comment for you on your site. I wish you the best as well.
Beth- thanks for sharing, it gets easier every time you share it because it does not define you. you have much to give and I wish you all the best. you deserve it. elizabeth
I think you’ll appreciate this original post by Donna Gore
http://herewomentalk.com/lest-we-forget%E2%80%A6-being-grateful-even-as-homicide-survivors
The path to heal is horribly hard and long but it’ll be worth it at the end.
It has been horribly hard and long. I am finally beginning to feel me again, and by that I mean by learning to express myself and trust again.
I too am outraged, but because Joan did not protect you and Brad is not in prison. He should be. He should also never be allowed to be around children. I also wonder why your attorney agreed to a gag order. Exposing him would have been the right thing to do. I understand that it may have meant that you got drug through the ringer, but Brad needs to be punished too. He may yet get that punishment at the expense of some other child’s torture. Rest assured, I am not blaming you. You are a survivor who never should have been put in that position. I just wish that he had been stopped. Thank you for sharing your story.
I agree. I did ask my lawyers about how to see to it that he not be able to hurt anyone else….and I would have gone through the ringer along with many other people. I didn’t know how to make that happen and turn 30 other people’s lives upside down even further than an initial interview. Fortunately, he didn’t have children of his own later and they did investigate whether he had possibly hurt others at that time. Civil vs Criminal? Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
You are so brave to share your story. I too was a child of abuse and molestion. You touched me in many ways. I will never forget the lady that told me i never did anything wrong i was just a little girl . I always thought i did something to deserve it and she helped me see that i didnt. I grew up never knowing what true beautiful sharing of 2 people was, just thought it was something i had to do. Thank you for your courage for it also helped me with mine. this is one of the only times I have shared my past. Big hug to you!
Robin, thank you for the hug! I, too, thought the same—that I did something wrong to deserve what happened. I’m glad a lady was able to help you see you weren’t at fault. I came to think and believe it was what was supposed to happen too. Thank you for sharing. I hope you will come back here and share the website with me when it goes live.
I agree with Kay,what was Joan thinking leaving you there without alerting anyone that this was going on..I am so sorry this happened to you,also I am so happy that you made it threw to tell your story..I have a photo next to a quote i wrote..It says “you never know how strong you are…until being strong is the only choice you have…You are a perfect example..Strenght,A Womens Secret Tool..
Thank you! I love the quote…so true.
I am outraged by this story. How could anybody abuse you like that — an innocent young person. It happens all the time, sadly, and it stinks. This infuriates me. I’m sick to my stomach thinking that Joan left you there knowing you were being abused. Unbelievable. I can’t imagine the scars this has left, but it sounds like you’ve come a long way on your path to releasing yourself from the anger. Congratulations on telling your story. There’s no telling how many people will be touched — and maybe even saved — because you had the courage to tell this.
Thank you, Kay. My journey continues from a long and winding road and I am glad to have found the path that led me here to share.