October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month – This is my contribution.

First off, I would like to start by admitting that I am in NO position to provide advice on the subject of domestic violence.  Me offering advice would be extremely hypocritical. So, although I cannot provide an answer or resolution, I can share my experience (s) being on the receiving end of a love that hurts!

It always seems to start off the same way. A push against the wall turns into a shove on the floor. That progresses into a slap on the arm, which then turns into a punch. Before long, it become hands around my throat, and the next thing I know, there is a gun pointed at me with the voice on the other end of the trigger yelling, “Bitch, I will kill you!”

From the outside everything looked wonderful. We were ‘so in love’. Our relationship was envied by anyone who saw us. The truth? My children were on ‘alert’. Each having a different number programmed into there phones of whom to call in case things ever got ‘out of control’.  A friend of mine was given a name and phone number of whom to contact if ‘you don’t hear from in X amount of days’ (with the disclaimer not to ask me WHY I was providing her with this information).

No one knew. The numerous bruising on my legs, arms, etc., were always written off as me being an ‘easy bruiser’ (which is actually true).

The saddest part of it all? I have not been in one abusive relationship, not two, but THREE. Domestic violence hits home for me more than people will ever realize. In fact, people don’t realize it at all. I have always been seen as the woman that will leave a man at the drop of a dime. I have always been seen as the woman that was so strong and independent.

But in reality, There have been many, many times when I have felt like eventually this person is going to kill me. Whether he means to or not. There have been many times when I have contemplated shooting myself so as to not give the man the satisfaction of shooting me.

I always tried to make sure my children were never witnesses to any abuse done to me but unfortunately, my constant attempts to get out of the house rarely ever worked. So I talked to my children regularly. Determined to make sure they understood that what they may see or hear is NEVER the way anyone should be treated and NEVER the way a person should treat another.

Again I will say, without saying too much, domestic violence hits closer to home than most people know, and again I will say that I will in no way be so hypocritical as to provide advice to others. But what I can provide is empathy. The knowing that you are not alone. And hoping that others will be stronger than I!

Battered Again

Dark rain fall on me
savage cries spell frustration
loss tangible and thick
like spoiled cream

Spilled tears to fill a well
misery loves my company
fists swollen in disbelieve
eyes drowned in sorrow

What love has no pain
a lie told yields no comfort
bruised with affection again
loving it no more

-Poem by Dragon Blogger

National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224
National Domestic Violence Hotline

Here Women Talk has a group called Standing as Strong Survivors (SASS)