I’m going to be honest yet unemotional and refuse to go into deep detail.This isn’t my usual style of writing so I apologise for any spelling/puncuation problems. SO that being said this WAS my life.
My birth parents were together seven years before i was born, he left her 2 years after I was born,the both of them i believe may or may not have had drug habits but I know my biological father (BF) was a drunk..anyway, i was very little when one of them tried to sell me. i was left in the care of a blind person my mother (grace) would come check on me everyday after dropping her own kids of at school,providing me with diapers,clothing and food. She’s told me a number of times that on more than one occasion she found me eating out of the trash. Her and her husband (james) adopted me at the age of 4. grace and james are my biological mother’s (BM) sister and brother-in-law so i got to know my real mother as my aunt, finding out I have at least 5 half siblings no one will talk about, so there’s all these parts of me that owI will never kn. Even after I found this out neither my BM or BF want any part of my life…their loss though.
James was a lay minister who taught other how to preach,yet my first real memory of him was him putting maple syrup on his penis in order to teach me how to lick it off. From the age of 4 he was always rubbing, groping,touching, and feeling me as often as he could. When we moved to Pa he started posing me and taking picture he said were for magazines (really just for him). Im sure grace knew, she would buy me the tiniest most see through night clothes to wear, i was moved from my room in to theirs to sleep on a cot like bed while my mom slowly started to sleep in the living room stating she was too ill to sleep in bed ( she actually does have serious health problems). He never went beyond the touching and groping, prefering to cum on my back or stomach. He was never threatening or scary and i had no idea this wasn’t normal. Oddly enough we’ve been able to maintain a kind of close relationship now that I haven’t lived in his house for over 5 years.
My mother could be sweet and wonderful, but most of the time she acted like she resented having me there( I suppose she did at times). i was termed a bad person by her…a liar…..a thief(eating food in the house without asking was stealing)…bitch…whore…trash. i was stupid and ugly with a bad personality. she ran me down over and over. i used to write…short stories, poems, in a fit about i don’t know what she tore up all my poetry calling it shit and trash, telling me i was worthless and would amount to nothing. clearly i remember at 13 her telling me i would amount to nothing but a street walker. Yet at the same time she could be the best mother in the world, doing whatever she could for me and my brother/sister. we lived in an old farmhouse for a few years and i swear during the day while i was in my room..alone…that there was no one in the house at all,my room was connected to my parents room and their door to the hallway was always locked, no one came when i yelled or screamed for food or to use the bathroom. i once shimmied down the drain pipe to find the house empty and all the doors locked.
I worshiped my older brother, we lived in the woods so many times he was the only person i had to be with outside of school. I used to follow him around when i was little like a puppy. he too could be sweet and charming and the best person in the world. Very early on though i remember him trying to suffocate me with pillows, he once tied me to a chair with tape all over my face so i couldn’t see i was “saved” from whatever it was he was going to do by my father coming home. the sodomy started when i was 7, every chance he got he babysat me so there was alot of chances, even in the basement when my parents where home. he’d laugh at me whenever i showed pain or started to cry it excited him so I stopped showing it just to piss him off. my parents never seemed to notice the bruises, busted lips, twisted wrists, bloody purple noses,or the finger marks on my throat….never seemed to notice how scared and quiet i seemed, how i would flinch at the sound of his voice, at the time though i thought it was punishment set up by my parents .when he turned 15-16 he started getting really really violent hitting anyone close to him, my father and me where his favorite targets,though my abuse was more private (my mother would hit him back if he dared hit her and my father would kill him if he tried to hit her in front of my father) from the very first he threw me being adopted in my face before i knew i was. we went through a lot of broken tables and plaster to patch up the walls because of him. it didnt end when he moved,he would come over just to scream and fight, my parents would drop me off at his apartments for over night visits ignoring tears that were very unusual for me…..because of him i have been beaten, choked, had wires around my throat and wrists, handcuffed,suffocated,almost drowned, if i hadn’t moved out of the way i would have been stabbed, he once choked me till i almost passed out trying to get out of his house,when i called my mom she told me to go back and shut the hell up blaming it on me, i have had a taser pointed at my head,knives at my throat, my head put into walls. he has put me down verbally /mentally/emotionally and treated me like the worse person on earth made me feel like i wasnt worthy. for a long time i didnt feel human or feminine (sodomy, i thought was only what men did to each other) it lasted till i finally moved at the age of 20-21
i had to move back in to the trailer my parents had gotten for themselves…thats when i found out my mother knew about everything,not only knew but condonded (SP) it and at times set it up(i had over heard my brother ask if he could have sex t at with her but at the time didnt know what that was). it was widely known my parents didn’t sleep together and hadn’t for a while, my mother didn’t like sex at all ( she has her own childhood demons). one night when my dad was working and me and mom were home she was in bed her cell went off, the text was from my dad stating that if i didnt have sex with him he would kick me out…there were several messages like that going back to 3 months when i had to move back in…my mother gave him permission. i fled the next day and went to live with my then fiance’s family.
I am 26 years old, this hell just ended for me, i have came from a family where showing emotion would have gotten you laughed at(by my mother) and possibly beaten(by my brother). i find it hard to cry or show anything but anger…i have cut since junior high just to feel something other than that..i still do at times of great stress. the insecurities bred in me makes it hard to be around me at times..it cost me my first love and many friends. i wont take my bipolar meds because i know i’ll overdose one day( there is very little proof that I am bipolar) , i tell people im allergic to alcohol because i know once started i’ll never stop drinking. this is an edited unemotional version of my life. the last few years have been good but not good enough to erase the pain and anger and shame and i admit the hatred burning in me. still i am loyal to my family and i shouldnt be, dont want to be. i know people who have had it way way worse but this is my own private hell. I survived and continue to survive not matter what life tosses at me.